How am I doing? I probably won’t write any more about this specifically, but I wanted to write down some thoughts now that I’ve had a chance to digest what happened. I also haven’t really told the whole story, so here it is.
We met online. Our banter right off the bat was hilarious and very entertaining. I really liked his personality and was excited to meet him in person. When we met, my initial reaction was a twang of disappointment because I wasn’t sure how attracted I would be to him. I decided to let that go and see what was there purely based on his personality. Our conversation was great and it was one of the best first dates I have ever been on. He kissed me good night. The kiss was good. We made plans to hang out the next Sunday (I think this was a Tuesday). The messaging and banter continued and he invited me over to his place to cook dinner together. I had a minor freak out and tried to sway the date to do something a little more public but he persisted. I gave in and we had a fantastic night. Clothes stayed on, we got a little drunk drinking wine and made out. Everything seemed very genuine. He was sweet and wonderful. There were many dates that followed: movies, picnics, breakfasts, lunches, the planetarium, endless hang outs at my place or his. We were seeing each other 2 – 3 times per week which was about all his schedule could allow for (co-parenting situation). He would do nice things for me like fill my BBQ propane tank and bring me flowers. We skyped on nights he had the kids after they went to bed. There was no indication that anything was awry. The sex was even good.
Just after the two month mark, he came to watch me compete at a horse show. That day he met my mom. We had lunch together. It was a kid day so he had to leave, and it was after that I started to notice a difference. Suddenly he had the kids a lot more. We couldn’t see each other on Saturdays. The banter stopped. No skype sessions. I felt like I was chasing him. I can assure you though, I’m not the kind of girl who gets needy and starts power-texting when I feel like I’m being ignored. One night we had plans and just before he was about to show up, he called me and told me he wasn’t feeling well and wasn’t coming over. Since I had noticed a distance growing between us, I asked him if we were ok and he assured me we were. We hung out a couple times after that and then the text messages became fewer and fewer so I called him out and asked what was going on. Silence. He said nothing to me for 5 days! Then I get a text explaining that I haven’t done or said anything wrong but he needed space, felt like we should be closer to love at this point, and wants something different for his future.
I could spend all night dissecting what I think went wrong but there’s no point. I will never know. The true question I have to ask myself is: do I really think he was the best guy that ever happened to me? No. I don’t. It hurts my ego to think that I’ve been rejected but on the same note, I’m not sure that he could have satisfied me in the long run. I’m driven and ambitious. He isn’t. He doesn’t understand why I would stay in a stressful job and I think over time this would drive a wedge between us. I found his lack of ambition to be a bit of a turn off. If I was thinking those things so early, it doesn’t bode well for the future. If anything, I have to come away with some lessons learned.
- I will try to be more open when I’m feeling disconnected. I know I’m not great at talking about feelings. This is something I can work on.
- Ambition is something that I value.
My bruised ego will heal. It mostly has. It has been hard to let go of the what ifs and the I wonder whys, but I know I will. I’m still a little angry that he didn’t have the decency to have a face to face conversation about any of this, but that anger will also subside. So right now, that’s where my head is at. I’m focusing on myself and preparing for the time when I get brave enough to date again. For now, my life is all about me for a change and I’m taking quite a lot of pleasure in my self-investment.
Thanks for listening!