Thoughts: One week post break-up

How am I doing? I probably won’t write any more about this specifically, but I wanted to write down some thoughts now that I’ve had a chance to digest what happened. I also haven’t really told the whole story, so here it is.

We met online. Our banter right off the bat was hilarious and very entertaining. I really liked his personality and was excited to meet him in person. When we met, my initial reaction was a twang of disappointment because I wasn’t sure how attracted I would be to him. I decided to let that go and see what was there purely based on his personality. Our conversation was great and it was one of the best first dates I have ever been on. He kissed me good night. The kiss was good. We made plans to hang out the next Sunday (I think this was a Tuesday). The messaging and banter continued and he invited me over to his place to cook dinner together. I had a minor freak out and tried to sway the date to do something a little more public but he persisted. I gave in and we had a fantastic night. Clothes stayed on, we got a little drunk drinking wine and made out. Everything seemed very genuine. He was sweet and wonderful. There were many dates that followed: movies, picnics, breakfasts, lunches, the planetarium, endless hang outs at my place or his. We were seeing each other 2 – 3 times per week which was about all his schedule could allow for (co-parenting situation). He would do nice things for me like fill my BBQ propane tank and bring me flowers. We skyped on nights he had the kids after they went to bed. There was no indication that anything was awry. The sex was even good.

Just after the two month mark, he came to watch me compete at a horse show. That day he met my mom. We had lunch together. It was a kid day so he had to leave, and it was after that I started to notice a difference. Suddenly he had the kids a lot more. We couldn’t see each other on Saturdays. The banter stopped. No skype sessions. I felt like I was chasing him. I can assure you though, I’m not the kind of girl who gets needy and starts power-texting when I feel like I’m being ignored. One night we had plans and just before he was about to show up, he called me and told me he wasn’t feeling well and wasn’t coming over. Since I had noticed a distance growing between us, I asked him if we were ok and he assured me we were. We hung out a couple times after that and then the text messages became fewer and fewer so I called him out and asked what was going on. Silence. He said nothing to me for 5 days! Then I get a text explaining that I haven’t done or said anything wrong but he needed space, felt like we should be closer to love at this point, and wants something different for his future.

I could spend all night dissecting what I think went wrong but there’s no point. I will never know. The true question I have to ask myself is: do I really think he was the best guy that ever happened to me? No. I don’t. It hurts my ego to think that I’ve been rejected but on the same note, I’m not sure that he could have satisfied me in the long run. I’m driven and ambitious. He isn’t. He doesn’t understand why I would stay in a stressful job and I think over time this would drive a wedge between us. I found his lack of ambition to be a bit of a turn off. If I was thinking those things so early, it doesn’t bode well for the future. If anything, I have to come away with some lessons learned.

  1. I will try to be more open when I’m feeling disconnected. I know I’m not great at talking about feelings. This is something I can work on.
  2. Ambition is something that I value.

My bruised ego will heal. It mostly has. It has been hard to let go of the what ifs and the I wonder whys, but I know I will. I’m still a little angry that he didn’t have the decency to have a face to face conversation about any of this, but that anger will also subside. So right now, that’s where my head is at. I’m focusing on myself and preparing for the time when I get brave enough to date again. For now, my life is all about me for a change and I’m taking quite a lot of pleasure in my self-investment.

Thanks for listening!

XOXO,

H

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Day 8/84 – Trust the Process

This morning I weighed in at a disappointing 199.5 lbs which means in one week, I lost 0.2 lbs. Here are my thoughts on the matter:

  1. This is what makes dieting and changing your lifestyle hard. You can do everything right, for a day, a week, a month and you will still be fat. Making real, serious changes takes a long time and you have to be patient. The hard part is reminding yourself of this daily.
  2. Since I have lost weight in the past, I know it takes a while for my body to respond. Typically, I will start a journey like this and it will take 3-4 weeks to see a difference on the scale. All of a sudden, I will weigh myself and 10 lbs will be gone. I just have to trust that if I stay on track, this will happen.
  3. I am still holding a lot of water. I was hoping the hot yoga on Sunday would help to reduce some of it, but it doesn’t seem to be the case. I drank a lot of water today (120 ounces) and so hopefully I’ve flushed some of it out.
  4. Tomorrow is a new day. Just keep swimming!

I had a great workout this morning and increased weights on almost all my exercises. I did 3 sets of 10 each of squats, walking lunges, incline bench press, flies, lat pulldown and rows, plus a 10 minute interval warmup on the stairmill.

Meal 1 – a banana and a hard-boiled egg white.

Meal 2 – protein shake

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Meal 3 – 2 eggs plus half a cup of egg whites and a handful of spinach

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Meal 4 – 4 oz of salmon, mixed greens with red pepper, cucumber and grape tomotoes (100g of each) and tbsp of Jamaica Mistake.

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Meal 5 – My Chicken Enchilada Bake

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Meal 6 – An Oikos fat free greek yogurt, cherry flavor…mmmm!

For the day this comes to:

1481 calories, 146 Carb, 48 Fat, 116 Protein.

Tomorrow morning is a 5 km run. Hopefully it goes better than my last few runs because they haven’t been going well. Stay tuned!

XOXO,

H

Week 2 Set up – Chicken Enchilada Bake

I’m going to give you a little insight into how I plan my weekly meals. Right now, I’m starting out at a 30% protein/30% fat/40% carbohydrate split and about 1500 calories per day. So how do I make this all work?

Step 1 – I pick a “featured entree” for the week. Background: I have tried to meal plan and eat IIFYM (If it fits your macros) several times. When I very first started, I thought I would make it easy and simply cook a bunch of fish, chicken, sweet potato, brown rice, etc. and then portion it out. What I found is that this diet plan was IMPOSSIBLE to stick to because the food was just too boring. I love to cook and I love to enjoy a satisfying meal at the end of the day so what I started doing is making one recipe per week and portioning it out appropriately and then fitting the rest of my macros around that. So far, it is much easier to stick to than your basic white fish, asparagus and yam mash up.

Step 2 – Plan the macros for a Monday. For this week, I decided to make Chicken Enchilada Bake so I entered all of the ingredients in myfitnesspal and plugged one serving into Monday.

Step 3 – Start building the rest of the week. After my first week, I was feeling a little backed up if you know what I mean so I really focused on adding digestion friend foods this week: more leafy greens and a little yogurt. I eat basically the same things for breakfast and lunch and then I can switch up the snacks to be more or less carbohydrate rich depending on the macros in the entree I have chosen.

For example, I always wake up and have a banana. This week, I found my protein a little low so I added an egg white to Meal 1.

Meal 2 is my post workout protein shake. Since my protein was low, I’m having a 0.75 scoop of protein powder instead of 0.5 a scoop.

Meal 3 is my standard 2 whole eggs and half a cup of egg whites plus I added a handful of spinach for some additional nutrients.

Meal 4 is a big leafy green salad made with baby spinach, swiss chard and kale, red pepper, cucumber and grape tomatoes. I’m adding 2 tbsp of my favorite salad dressing Jamaica Mistake for a hit of fat, but I can adjust the amount of dressing to fit my macros. If my fat is really low, I can add some avocado.

Meal 5 this is my main entree meal, Chicken Enchilada Bake.

Meal 6 is my yogurt snack just before bed.

It’s a bit of work to do this and it takes a bit of planning but trust me, it is so worth it.

From there, I build a grocery list:

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And when I get home from grocery shopping it is time to get prepping!

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So here’s how I make my Chicken Enchilada Bake. It makes 4 servings with 39 carbs, 16 fat and 31 protein per serving.

The ingredients:

  • 20 oz of boneless skinless chicken thighs
  • 1 medium onion
  • 5 cloves of garlic
  • 2 cups chicken stock (enough to cover thighs in a skillet)
  • salt and pepper to taste
  • chili powder
  • garlic powder
  • pinch cumin
  • jar of green mexican chili sauce
  • corn tortillas
  • 2 servings of light cheddar cheese

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In a deep skillet, soften the onion and garlic for a few minutes on medium heat. Add the chicken thighs on top of the onions. Add chicken stock to cover the thighs. Season well with salt and pepper. Add the garlic powder (small palmful), chili powder (two large palmfuls) and cumin (just a pinch for me) and bring to a simmer. Simmer partially covered until chicken is cooked through and easily breaks apart with a wooden spoon. Remove lid and turn up heat to cook off the rest of the liquid. Continue to reduce the liquid down until very little remains.

In a baking dish, add a couple of table spoons of the green mexican sauce to the bottom of the dish and spread around. Layer four tortillas over the sauce. Add the chicken mixture next and top with four more tortillas and then poor the remaining mexican sauce all over the top. Top with the grated cheese and bake at 425 for about 30 minutes.

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Serve with light sour cream and shredded lettuce.

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Delish! Enjoy! Let me know if you try it.

XOXO,

H

Day 5,6 & 7/84 – Failing to Plan is Planning to Fail

Hey all!

I made a huge rookie mistake. I didn’t really plan my weekend very well and I’m coming away feeling like it wasn’t as successful as it could have been. There were no major blunders, just not the tight, focused eating that I’m going for right now. The result was major weight creep:

Friday: 196.9 lbs

Saturday: 198.9 lbs

Sunday: 199.5 lbs

I know that this is water retention because I ate some sushi on Friday and Saturday…that darned soy sauce. I was very careful not to go over my calories for the day so I know I haven’t gained actual fat, but it can be very discouraging to be working so hard and see that nothing is happening. “Be patient”, I tell myself.

In order to recap my weekend, I will have to use the photos from my phone!

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Saturday morning started out with a visit to my friend’s farm where one of my horses is currently boarded. She had a lesson on him with her coach!

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Next was a sweaty run. I had 7km planned but only managed 4km. My legs felt terrible and I had NO energy. More on what I’m planning to do about this in a bit…

After the gym, it was time to get ready for my friend’s birthday party at the Trading Post Taphouse. I enjoyed a flight of beer and the Braised Short Ribs. Both delicious and well worth the cheat meal.

Sunday was all about getting ready for the week ahead. I went grocery shopping and meal prepped my heart out.

On Sunday evening, I went to a hot yoga, candlelight relaxation and deep stretching class. I’m hoping this stretching will alleviate some of the fluid build up and heaviness I’m feeling in my legs while I’m running. When I was training for my first half marathon, I found that hot yoga was the only thing that kept me going. Let’s see if this is what it takes to get my runs back on track!

Next post will be all about my Sunday Set-up and a delicious macro-friendly Chicken Enchilada Bake.

XOXO,

H

Day 4/84 -Never Give Up!

Today I finished one of the worst projects in my whole career. I swear it was cursed and everything went wrong. It took about 2 years longer than it should have. I have broken down over this project more times than I can count. It was rough. And today we finished it. I kept the first perfect output of this project and hung it on my wall as a reminder. NEVER. GIVE. UP. Honestly, if I can make it through this project, I can make it through anything.

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This morning’s weigh in was 196.5 lbs, down one more pound. I was able to stay on track with the food plan despite being on site with customers all day. Luckily we brought in sandwiches for our meeting and I just drank water. I did eat one very delicious sugar cookie, but I worked it into the macros and still stayed within my calorie budget.

After I got home and had a bit of a power nap, I went to the gym for another treadmill work out. When I first started out, I wasn’t really feeling it, but as the workout progressed, I warmed up and ended up feeling really good. I warmed up for 1 km at an easy 5.5 and then for the next three km I did 7.0 sprints for 1 minute followed by a rest period of 1 minute at 5.5. The last km I cooled down and then sprinted the finish. Super sweaty, super happy!

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It is AMAZING to me how fast you can turn your thinking around. At the beginning of this week, I felt so low and in only 4 days I have done a complete 180 degree turn. I still have 80 days to go until I reach the first milestone of this journey but everything seems so much more positive now. All it took was 4 days of focus…unbelievable!

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Something else I have come to realize is what I really need in a man. Unfortunately, during the second month I knew the last guy, I hit a period of crippling stress at work. It seemed like every day something out of my control was blowing up that I had to deal with. In order to get through those times, I have to shut down a little bit and go into survival mode. I need a man who can support me through those times, not bail on me. Realizing this was actually another part in the turn around to positivity. He wasn’t right for me. I’m glad it ended when it did. On to bigger and better things!

XOXO,

H

Day 3/84 – A win and a fail!

This morning’s weigh in came in at 197.5 lbs down 0.7. I was hoping this water weight would come off a little quicker so I really focused on my water intake today to try to flush it all out. I’m starting to feel way better than I did Monday.

Yesterday in my moping misery I decided I would engage in some retail therapy and purchase a pair of wireless headphones that I have been coveting.  I want to listen to music while I’m lifting weights but since I record my workouts in body space, I can’t just throw my phone in an arm band. It would be so inconvenient. Anyway, the headphones I wanted were $30 off (score!) And I was super stoked to try them out during this morning’s work out. When I got to the gym I realized that I remembered the headphones but forgot my phone so I had nothing to connect them to.  FAIL!

Nonetheless I got a great workout in and will look forward to trying them out during Friday’s workout.

I’m so proud of myself for another day of perfect eating. I’m not going to repost everything I ate because it is exactly the same as Monday. I went for about a 1.5 hour hike with a friend this evening (and Whitaker too!) And the old me would have come home and eaten the house down. Instead I saved my biggest meal for after the hike and I sat down and really savoured every bite. When I was done I did have thoughts of eating something a little extra but raided my herbal tea stash instead. Meyer lemon tea did the trick and I might pick up a few extra flavors to try in times like these. So I’m still on track and another  $5 goes into the bikini fund.

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Tomorrow is my first challenging day since I re-committed to myself. I have to work on site with customers all day. (I usually work from home). I have planned out my morning meals on the road. They all fit into the calorie budget and then I have my prepared meals already waiting for me when I get home in the evening. Tomorrow will end up being a slightly higher carb day that should be (50% instead of 40%) but that’s ok because I have another 5km run planned for the evening.

Here I go! Wish me luck (on this project too)!

XOXO,
H

Day 2/84 – Owner of a broken heart

It’s official. The boy called it off. I can’t say I didn’t see it coming but it hurts just the same. I was pretty upset for most of the day but I’m really trying to find the positives in it all.

  1. I did not deviate from my food plan. I stayed on course 100%. This tells me I’m focused and on the right track here.
  2. Even though I’m sad right now, I feel like this experience has lit a fire in me. I’m not really happy, in general. I have work to do on myself. If someone fell in love with me now, they wouldn’t be falling in love with the real me. I need to be closer to that person before I find the right guy. Bottom line: I need to invest in myself first.

The next couple of months are going to involve me falling in love with myself. I think until that happens I need to stay away from the boys.

Out of my misery, my BFF and I came up with a brilliant plan. We are both September babies so we are going to plan an epic vacay in September to celebrate. This gives me something great to look forward to as well as the motivation to workout and eat right. I made myself a deal that for every day I eat on plan, I will put $5 in the bikini fund. There’s a potential to have up to $600 for vacation clothes which is very exciting! It may sound cheesy but I think these little incentives are very motivating.

Weighed in this morning at 198.2 lbs…happy it is some water weight taking a hike!

Today’s workout was a 5km. It was very humid today so I decided to run on the treadmill. It was rough and I struggled really badly, but something really awesome happened. It’s like a switch flipped in my brain and all of a sudden I had two personalities. I had the weak-minded quitter who just wanted to stop and then I had drill sergeant Hazel who would not let weak Hazel stop running. I was literally screaming at myself in my head.

DO NOT STOP! KEEP GOING! DON’T BE A QUITTER! FIGHT FOR THIS! FIGHT FOR YOUR LIFE! FIGHT FOR THE PERSON YOU WANT TO BE! FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT!

I don’t know where this person came from but I hope she sticks around. She’s kind of awesome! And here are the sweaty results of that run:

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So I ran 5km in 33:49 and it was hard and I wanted to quit but I didn’t. Tomorrow is a new day. Looking forward to getting as far away from this day as possible. Deep breaths.

XOXO,

H