Day 9/84 – Healin’ for real this time!

This morning’s weigh in was 197.1 lbs so back in the right direction! I’m starting to feel hungry in between meals which is something I haven’t felt for quite some time. This leads me to believe I am starting to fire up my metabolism in all the right ways and that is very motivating to me! I went to the gym in the morning and completed my 5 km run. Again, I struggled. I didn’t quit, but it wasn’t easy and wasn’t the type of run I’m used to. I’m not sure if it is mental or physical but I’m hoping these struggles pass soon.

Last night to prepare, I did everything I could think of in my arsenal to help my legs feel fresh. This includes, lying with my legs up the wall, wearing compression socks and stretching.

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Next time, I might try an anti-inflammatory before I run and see if that helps. I don’t think I’m injured, I think my body is just having a hard time adjusting to the increased work outs. I’m also holding onto a lot of water right now which causes my legs and feet to swell. TOM is just around the corner and probably the culprit. I’m drinking a TON of water right now and my diet is pretty low in sodium (minus the sushi last week). Nonetheless, I finished the run and took the required post-workout swelfie! You can see how excited I look…

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Meals were on point for another day in a row! Menu was exactly the same as yesterday except instead of salmon I had 175g of cod.

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I also cut back the amount of salad dressing on my salad. I had the macros for 2 tbsp but found that was too much dressing! I cut it back to 1.5 tbsp and it was the perfect amount…it’s all in the details!

Overall, my attitude swings back and forth from excited for the future and sad about the past on almost an hourly basis. I am very proud of myself for sticking to this plan and feeling my feelings rather than self-medicating with food. I will admit, I’m a bit mopey and a little depressed right now but I really want to heal for real this time.

Looking forward to crushing another day tomorrow!

XOXO,

H

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Thoughts: One week post break-up

How am I doing? I probably won’t write any more about this specifically, but I wanted to write down some thoughts now that I’ve had a chance to digest what happened. I also haven’t really told the whole story, so here it is.

We met online. Our banter right off the bat was hilarious and very entertaining. I really liked his personality and was excited to meet him in person. When we met, my initial reaction was a twang of disappointment because I wasn’t sure how attracted I would be to him. I decided to let that go and see what was there purely based on his personality. Our conversation was great and it was one of the best first dates I have ever been on. He kissed me good night. The kiss was good. We made plans to hang out the next Sunday (I think this was a Tuesday). The messaging and banter continued and he invited me over to his place to cook dinner together. I had a minor freak out and tried to sway the date to do something a little more public but he persisted. I gave in and we had a fantastic night. Clothes stayed on, we got a little drunk drinking wine and made out. Everything seemed very genuine. He was sweet and wonderful. There were many dates that followed: movies, picnics, breakfasts, lunches, the planetarium, endless hang outs at my place or his. We were seeing each other 2 – 3 times per week which was about all his schedule could allow for (co-parenting situation). He would do nice things for me like fill my BBQ propane tank and bring me flowers. We skyped on nights he had the kids after they went to bed. There was no indication that anything was awry. The sex was even good.

Just after the two month mark, he came to watch me compete at a horse show. That day he met my mom. We had lunch together. It was a kid day so he had to leave, and it was after that I started to notice a difference. Suddenly he had the kids a lot more. We couldn’t see each other on Saturdays. The banter stopped. No skype sessions. I felt like I was chasing him. I can assure you though, I’m not the kind of girl who gets needy and starts power-texting when I feel like I’m being ignored. One night we had plans and just before he was about to show up, he called me and told me he wasn’t feeling well and wasn’t coming over. Since I had noticed a distance growing between us, I asked him if we were ok and he assured me we were. We hung out a couple times after that and then the text messages became fewer and fewer so I called him out and asked what was going on. Silence. He said nothing to me for 5 days! Then I get a text explaining that I haven’t done or said anything wrong but he needed space, felt like we should be closer to love at this point, and wants something different for his future.

I could spend all night dissecting what I think went wrong but there’s no point. I will never know. The true question I have to ask myself is: do I really think he was the best guy that ever happened to me? No. I don’t. It hurts my ego to think that I’ve been rejected but on the same note, I’m not sure that he could have satisfied me in the long run. I’m driven and ambitious. He isn’t. He doesn’t understand why I would stay in a stressful job and I think over time this would drive a wedge between us. I found his lack of ambition to be a bit of a turn off. If I was thinking those things so early, it doesn’t bode well for the future. If anything, I have to come away with some lessons learned.

  1. I will try to be more open when I’m feeling disconnected. I know I’m not great at talking about feelings. This is something I can work on.
  2. Ambition is something that I value.

My bruised ego will heal. It mostly has. It has been hard to let go of the what ifs and the I wonder whys, but I know I will. I’m still a little angry that he didn’t have the decency to have a face to face conversation about any of this, but that anger will also subside. So right now, that’s where my head is at. I’m focusing on myself and preparing for the time when I get brave enough to date again. For now, my life is all about me for a change and I’m taking quite a lot of pleasure in my self-investment.

Thanks for listening!

XOXO,

H

Day 8/84 – Trust the Process

This morning I weighed in at a disappointing 199.5 lbs which means in one week, I lost 0.2 lbs. Here are my thoughts on the matter:

  1. This is what makes dieting and changing your lifestyle hard. You can do everything right, for a day, a week, a month and you will still be fat. Making real, serious changes takes a long time and you have to be patient. The hard part is reminding yourself of this daily.
  2. Since I have lost weight in the past, I know it takes a while for my body to respond. Typically, I will start a journey like this and it will take 3-4 weeks to see a difference on the scale. All of a sudden, I will weigh myself and 10 lbs will be gone. I just have to trust that if I stay on track, this will happen.
  3. I am still holding a lot of water. I was hoping the hot yoga on Sunday would help to reduce some of it, but it doesn’t seem to be the case. I drank a lot of water today (120 ounces) and so hopefully I’ve flushed some of it out.
  4. Tomorrow is a new day. Just keep swimming!

I had a great workout this morning and increased weights on almost all my exercises. I did 3 sets of 10 each of squats, walking lunges, incline bench press, flies, lat pulldown and rows, plus a 10 minute interval warmup on the stairmill.

Meal 1 – a banana and a hard-boiled egg white.

Meal 2 – protein shake

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Meal 3 – 2 eggs plus half a cup of egg whites and a handful of spinach

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Meal 4 – 4 oz of salmon, mixed greens with red pepper, cucumber and grape tomotoes (100g of each) and tbsp of Jamaica Mistake.

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Meal 5 – My Chicken Enchilada Bake

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Meal 6 – An Oikos fat free greek yogurt, cherry flavor…mmmm!

For the day this comes to:

1481 calories, 146 Carb, 48 Fat, 116 Protein.

Tomorrow morning is a 5 km run. Hopefully it goes better than my last few runs because they haven’t been going well. Stay tuned!

XOXO,

H

Day 2/84 – Owner of a broken heart

It’s official. The boy called it off. I can’t say I didn’t see it coming but it hurts just the same. I was pretty upset for most of the day but I’m really trying to find the positives in it all.

  1. I did not deviate from my food plan. I stayed on course 100%. This tells me I’m focused and on the right track here.
  2. Even though I’m sad right now, I feel like this experience has lit a fire in me. I’m not really happy, in general. I have work to do on myself. If someone fell in love with me now, they wouldn’t be falling in love with the real me. I need to be closer to that person before I find the right guy. Bottom line: I need to invest in myself first.

The next couple of months are going to involve me falling in love with myself. I think until that happens I need to stay away from the boys.

Out of my misery, my BFF and I came up with a brilliant plan. We are both September babies so we are going to plan an epic vacay in September to celebrate. This gives me something great to look forward to as well as the motivation to workout and eat right. I made myself a deal that for every day I eat on plan, I will put $5 in the bikini fund. There’s a potential to have up to $600 for vacation clothes which is very exciting! It may sound cheesy but I think these little incentives are very motivating.

Weighed in this morning at 198.2 lbs…happy it is some water weight taking a hike!

Today’s workout was a 5km. It was very humid today so I decided to run on the treadmill. It was rough and I struggled really badly, but something really awesome happened. It’s like a switch flipped in my brain and all of a sudden I had two personalities. I had the weak-minded quitter who just wanted to stop and then I had drill sergeant Hazel who would not let weak Hazel stop running. I was literally screaming at myself in my head.

DO NOT STOP! KEEP GOING! DON’T BE A QUITTER! FIGHT FOR THIS! FIGHT FOR YOUR LIFE! FIGHT FOR THE PERSON YOU WANT TO BE! FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT!

I don’t know where this person came from but I hope she sticks around. She’s kind of awesome! And here are the sweaty results of that run:

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So I ran 5km in 33:49 and it was hard and I wanted to quit but I didn’t. Tomorrow is a new day. Looking forward to getting as far away from this day as possible. Deep breaths.

XOXO,

H